if anything is going to put me off medicine it'll be the cannulas.

this whole placement is going into the dumps cause i just can't place a cannula right.
everyone started out at the same foot, being really crap at cannulas.
but others have moved on and have successfully mastered the skill of inserting plastic tubing into veins whereas I still struggle and more than often have given patients a large hematoma.
heh.. do no harm.

worse shit is that i know i just have to practice more which makes me sad as I have to give more people internal bleeding -> lose confidence -> cannot get cannulas inserted -> feel like a failure ->sad -> (repeat)

the dreaded vicious cycle of life.

sigh.

stupid robber. why can't he send me back my passport.
i hate him.

now ukba is being asses. i'm being an ass.
this is so much headache.. my head is about to explode.

sounds like a poem

anyway, i'm stuck. i'm totally stuck in this situation which seems to be getting stupider by the day.
i need my passport to go back to malaysia but it's with the uk visa ppl who has yet to start processing my application. i've paid 220 pounds which i stand to lose if i request for the return of my documents. on top of that, i still have to get my visa sorted out when i go back to malaysia and pay another 290 pounds.
bloody immigration

if i just leave it with them, i'll burn my 500 pounds ticket back to malaysia and i won't be doing my electives. such awesome options. i can't even change my flight dates since it's like a domino effect; changing my flight back to m'sia means i have to change my flight to india which would compromise my electives.

so i should request back for my documents right?
burn 510 pounds instead of losing 680 pounds worth of flight tickets and fees and lose out on my elective experience. but then again, people are saying there MIGHT be time for my passport to be returned to me on time.

can someone just tell me what to do? 

still wondering what on earth is going on. I'm a 4th year medical student and I don't know shit.
I can't get my mind to focus, concentrating has never been harder, observation skills are nearing non-existent and I feel like each day I walk into the hospital in 4th year is making me more miserable.

maybe i should think about doing something outside a clinical setting after graduation. maybe that's why I have no preference to any specialty till now. a career in research maybe?

come on now, only 1 more year to go.

Always thought last year I was miserable because I was homesick. Maybe it's just because I'm doing clinical placements. I hope it's just a phase (really sucks to realize you hate the hospital after 4 years. ahhahahahaha). Or maybe I just hate medicine here. Let's see how I get on with electives. At least it would be medicine in a different country altogether.

countdown to exams: 5 more weeks. :(

ps: i know i love being the emokid. ahahhahahaa. i really add pictures of skulls and gore in my blog just to complement the posts.
on the other hand, passport is made, sent off to UKBA already so hopefully it'll be back next month. glasses should be arriving this week. and i'm on ICU ward. I HATE PLACEMENTS. 

really hope there would be a sharp drop of tourist, students and skilled migrants coming to the UK. maybe then they will rethink their ridiculous visa fees. 

some days, i feel like i died a little inside

has the stress finally caught up with me?